Broken Soul

Do read these posts before if you haven't.

1. Loneliness And Mind (Although this is not a part of the series, I would like you to read this too)
2. Journey
3. Wherefore Art Thou Stubborn, o beloved?
4. The Struggle Within

It started again just like it had long ago. Feeling of being neglected and loneliness.

Wounds from the past ran deep within. They didn't heal, they wouldn't. They weren't raw, but could open up if anything triggered. So they lay there, bare, waiting to be opened.

No! Do not be mistaken. They aren't the ones of a heartbreak. How could they be of heartbreak since her “thou”, her Prince, came much later in her life. They were the wounds seared permanently on her mind by the people, by the so called “near and dear ones”. Ridiculed, mocked, and discouraged that she, the Princess was, she learnt to live life on her own. Only the King, her father, knew her well, unlike the others.

Heartbroken though she was, because of insults from everyone, her spirit never faltered. Because she knew King always believed in her. But The Queen, her mother, did she? Scores of people needed the Queen’s attention. So here she was, The Princess, facing the ordeals  bestowed upon her by the society. No! She wouldn't tell The King! She would bury the insults deep in her mind, and believe that she was an ugly duckling, and good for nothing princess, as told to her by all. The King shouldn't feel offended, why should he be worried because of her problems? He would ask her if she had any problem. Yes! He is the King. He had to know everything. But she would smile and say, “I have all that I want and also what  I don't  want. You have given me everything. What problem will I ever have?” She said this by avoiding direct eye contact, because she knew The King had an eye for details. So The King was happy. He gave her the world. She was the apple of his eyes. At one end she listened to “words of wisdom” from people while at the other end showed her smiling face to The King.

She continued avoiding people for if she was in a group, they would throw taunts. The Queen believed them. People were ruthless. Did not leave an opportunity to point finger at her. “Why did they do it?”, she still wonders. How could anyone ruin childhood by discouraging a growing up kid? The “truth and facts” that people fed her was that she is good for nothing, ugly princess who doesn't have a place in this world for success. She would cry silently at night when all slept.

So she strived hard to make The King happy. And happy he was with her progress. And then suddenly it happened. The King went to a place he would never come back from. She was perturbed. She couldn't find The King. She searched everywhere, but The King was no where to be seen. “It wasn't fair”, she said.

So here she was, all alone and on her own; vulnerable to people and their comments. She went into a shell and raised her guards lest she suffers.

Time moved ahead and she chose to stay in her own small world where no one could enter. Time and often, she would get disturbing dreams. She kept it hidden from the world. Why should she tell everyone?

And then one day, she met her “thou”. And she was overjoyed, and happy after what seemed like ages. No one, yes, no one would ridicule her like before. She was happy because thou would take care of her. But it was as if she was cursed to live on her own, in seclusion. Thou didn't  know why she was the way she was. Thou didn't want to understand her, or so it seemed. Loneliness crept in again.

“I am vulnerable, I am a broken soul, but thou doesn't seem to understand. Wherefore art thou stubborn, o Beloved? I worship you. And  I never lose hope.  I am waiting alone, in this weary and dreary journey, my old wounds are open and I feel the pain. The deep dark memories haunt me again. A broken soul, who tried to gather bits and pieces to face the world, now lies vulnerable again.”

Discipline

If you want to know something about me, the first thing I would like to shamelessly declare is that I am big time Procrastinator. I do not hail it as an achievement. People have had hard time digesting this fact about me. To know more about me, Click “About Me” and you will know a lot more.

The reason I brought out this one quality of mine, i.e. procrastination in this article was because this post is about discipline and I wanted to write about my current state of discipline.

Having spent a month blogging each day so that I get that hang of writing again, here I am, actually doing nothing. Few days back, I wrote a post “A Kickstart To Restart”. I assumed that  it was a motivational post for myself and that would make me do the things that I had planned for. It is the 7th day of the month and I open my laptop and wait for something to dawn on me to write about. All thanks to my procrastination, discipline in life has gone for a toss.

About ten- eleven months ago, I left my job for good and had a big transition in my life. (About this I am yet to write, hail procrastination) I thought I would get all the time to do things that I have always wanted to, but never did because of studies and then job. I was excited, but what did I do? Spend lazy days watching television or browsing net and accepting each day as it came. There was no definite plan as to what to execute when. Only ideas. And no discipline. And thus passed lazy months doing nothing at all. Once in a blue moon, a blog post or two popped up. December month saw me getting involved in writing. I actually started it as an exercise and to uplift myself a bit from laziness. It turned out pretty well.

And here I am back again doing nothing. Have taken up few challenges which are yet to kickstart.

When I look back at the months passed by, I feel that lack of discipline in life and of course procrastination are the root causes. Discipline, a good plan and rain check helps a lot. What I need to do is keep a daily check instead of the monthly check that I had initially thought of. I am focussing more on writing quality posts instead of writing something random everyday on my blog. Things aren’t going the way I had planned. I do not wish to wait for another year to start something new. Like I have mentioned many times, do not wait for the new year, start anytime and keep a track.

As far as reading goes, I have planned to read 24 books in a year. Some people plan to read 100. To be frank, I was toying with the same number. Writing, like I said, focus is on writing quality posts instead of quantity.

Pass me some good positive energy and encouragement people, Will you?

A Kickstart To Restart

You know that New Year doesn’t change anything much. It is just another day, just another month and just another year. Still, there is hope that you will do this and you will do that. You made a decision at the end of November to do something everyday of the month in December and then track your progress at the end of the month. And despite being the “Her Highness Procrastinator”, you completed the task that you had planned for yourself. And rejoiced with joy.

Looking at this progress and your own enthusiasm, you start making a list of things to be done during the coming year despite knowing that you have never followed them when you made them. That was long ago, many years back, when you thought every new year was “New Year, New Me” thing. Now that is a thing of the past. But then, halfway into December, you realised that if you could do something in a months’ time, why not map out a yearly chart? Thus begins your thinking process. And you list down “Things To Do” during this coming year. You make elaborate plans and resolve to do monthly rain check.

You step into the New Year. Five days (Let’s round it up to 7 days,which makes it a week) into the first month of the New Year and you are wondering. Where did the days disappear? So does that mean you are not going to do anything about it? Are you going to let the time slip out of your hand? And then it dawns on you; and you remember your own blog posts that you had written last month stressing that it is not always too late to start something new and that you shouldn’t wait for new year to start something. Ahh!! Finally. And then you put on your thinking cap again, forgive yourself for wasting first five days( read first week) of the first month of the year, and start the things that you had planned for.

Sometimes you do need a kickstart to restart!!

A Note : They say writing diary helps you to reflect upon yourself. Writing diary stopped eons ago for reasons best known to the writer herself. Writing blogs about resolutions did help since it allowed to reflect upon few things and gave hope and solace.

Day 3 Of New Year

Am I waiting for the weekday to begin my things instead of starting on 1st? May be. That is what it seems like. Atleast I am happy that I am writing something and posting on my blog. This is just a way for me to keep going on with blog; no matter what silly stuff I write. If I stop writing then it will be another six months until  I begin writing again.

Lazy and loosing touch again?

Have I gone back to the days of procrastinating after month long blogging? Why am I asking this question? Because I am not having the motivation to write. Writing everyday was fruitful;since it brought me back on track. There are many things that I wish to do. I was a voracious reader and wouldn't rest until the book in hand showed me its last page. Last few years I have hardly read anything; last year nothing at all.

And now I am having a doubt whether I will go ahead with things that I have planned.

50th Post on A New Year's Day!!

Nothing to write today except -" Happy New Year " everyone!!

I didn't start following my resolutions as yet :P

Have a wonderful year!

By the way, this is my 50th post. I wanted to write something special for this 50th post and that too on a new years' day. But nothing came up.

I was reading blog posts which I follow regularly. People have written about resolutions. I have written about this in last few posts. In case if anyone has been following them, they might have noticed that I have stressed that you can start what you want anytime of the year. You do not have to wait till the New Year. Just decide on something and make sure that you follow it. Make small goals which will lead to bigger goals. This will keep you motivated.